remembering

I wanted to write while I was thinking what I’m thinking and feeling what I’m feeling. My blog entries are mostly for my own benefit. A few nights ago I decided to read from one of my journals. I opened up to a date a few months before I finished my mission. I don’t have words to adequately say how I miss it. I remember thinking when I was done that I would never have done it over, knowing what I knew then. Tonight I thought, I’d give anything to be there again, doing those same things.

I remembered people that I love in a way so different than how I love anyone else. I remembered miracles every day. I pictured houses, street vendors, high-rise buildings, busses, dirty city streets, the feria, graffiti, mountains, smog, beautiful dark brown eyes. I heard the metro passing by, cars honking, rain clapping against tin roofs, children yelling, strangers making kissing noises, doors closing, heartfelt thank yous being exchanged. I remembered how it felt having someone tell you that you were like an angel to them. How I wanted to be a better person and how I set goals every day to try to do that. How I was asked to do things I never thought imaginable. I remembered feeling unbearably alone at times. I remembered how much help I received from unseen powers. How I looked to the examples of so many great people God put in my path. How I prayed. How the scriptures became essential to me. How my faith was beginning to grow unshakeable. How obedient I wanted to be and tried to be. How inadequate and imperfect I felt. How for the first time I’d ever done anything entirely for someone else. How I’d never before felt happier. I remembered the sound of Presidente Moran’s voice and what his powerful testimony looks like in action and how much I love him and his family—how they’ve helped mark my life. I thought of lessons learned that I’ve since forgotten and need to remember again.

I bought a ticket to go to Chile in September. I got teary eyed thinking about it. I'm so happy to go back.